2008-02-15T19:04:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty sure I'm awesome.

I got bored today in physics, so I drew stuff. I was very tired, and the math was getting to me.

2008-01-18T17:14:00.001-05:00

Well, it's been a pretty good 360 days since my last post. Go me!

I've made a few updates (ie. changed a link or two). Also, I have a rant, if you care to hear it.

You do? That's splendid.

I don't own a cell phone. I don't want a cell phone. I don't need a cell phone. And neither do you!

There's this marvelous thing called a "regular" phone. It works great! You plug it in to the wall at your house, and leave it there when you leave the house!

"But Owen!" the crowd screams, "how shall we stay in touch when we're on the go?" I have a little secret for you: you don't need to! Yes, despite marketing campaigns that suggest otherwise, you do not need to be able to talk and text everywhere you go (except for two cases, discussed shortly).

Despite my rant, I don't hate cell phones in themselves. They can be useful, mainly for two purposes:
1. Emergencies - if I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere and my car implodes, I'm gonna want to be able to get some help. This is a valid reason for owning a cell phone.
2. Asshole - if I want to piss off absolutely everyone around me, a cell phone is the perfect tool. It can make loud noises during tests, interrupt friendly conversations, rot my brain, etc. This is not a valid reason for owning a cell phone.

For those still skeptical, I give you this challenge: next Monday, get a sheet of paper, notepad, your left arm, or whatever. Every 5 minutes, write down where you are and what you're doing. If you're at work or class, don't bother writing it 40 times.

Go do that. I'll wait.

Done? Good.

Now, take a look at your list. Start by crossing off every place where talking on or using a cell phone would be inappropriate (ex. class, work, movie theater). Done? Good. Now, cross off all times when you wouldn't want your cell phone to ring (ex. eating lunch, napping, doing homework, working out). Finished yet? Good. Now, cross off all the ones where your cell phone ringing would be bothersome or annoying to others (ex. on a bus, talking to a friend, late at night). Complete? Alright, last one - cross off any remaining ones where you are at home (or wherever your permanent land line is).

Congratulations! You're done! Now, the remaining lines are the times during the day where a cell phone could potentially be useful. Out of your total starting lines, how many do you have left?

Half? A quarter?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Obviously, your cell phone is less useful than you thought, and almost always inappropriate.

Now that I've handed you your ass on a plate, I'll put some icing on it - most cell phone users pay $50 per month (source). That's $600 per year, not counting the cost of the cell phone itself, weighing in at around $200 (source).

How much do you think I pay for my phone service?

$30.

Per year.

That's right, per year. I get unlimited long distance to anywhere in North America, anywhere I can log onto a computer with speakers and a mic. And, voice quality is almost as good as regular long distance (with decent internet speed). My cordless handset cost about $55 from Amazon.com.

This rant is spawned out of annoyance not only of how people use their cell phones, but also of how they misuse them. Let's face it - is there anyone that has been in a test, at a meeting, in a theater, or eating dinner who hasn't been annoyed at the obnoxious sound of a cell phone ringing? And don't count on vibrate mode to be of much help - it still makes a loud buzzing sound. Why even put it on vibrate mode? If you're doing something important enough that you don't want to be interrupted by a cell phone, why do you want it to tell you you're missing a call?

In conclusion, don't buy a cell phone. If you own one, turn it off or leave it at home when you don't need it. It won't kill you.

2007-01-23T23:34:00.000-05:00

Alright, the hottest new game has just been released. People of the internet, I give you: BLINGO!

Now, for the rules.

This game is played while listening to a rap song. If the rapper says one of the things in " ", you get the square. If the rapper does or mentions something else on the card, you get the square - it's as simple as that.

Now, unlike ordinary bingo, there are four ways to win Blingo: the bling, the ass, the gun, or full card.

If you win, you can congratulate yourself on becoming that much dumber. I mean, you'cn congat yoself on gettin' dumba, yo.

2006-12-12T23:33:00.000-05:00

If you want five star food, don't come to Harveys. It's that simple, folks.

For those that are not aware, I'm currently in the employ of Harveys. For those that aren't aware of the glory of Harveys, it's a fast food place. Yes, I spend my Friday evenings asking if people would like fries with that. Don't judge me.

Now, I consider Harveys better than your ordinary fast food. First off, we use an actual grill with fire and such, and our smallest burger is 3.5 oz. We cut up all our ingredients by hand (except the lettuce for burgers) and we garnish burgers while you watch. So, yes, above average fast food.

However, for the year that I've worked there, I've met a number of people that don't seem to understand that Harveys is, indeed, fast food. This means that your food might not be perfect. Don't get me wrong - I don't serve anything I wouldn't eat. Our burgers blow McDonalds out the window. But I do not serve gourmet cooking. Sorry folks - for $3.99, the best you can get is "pretty good". That's the simple truth. If you don't like it, head off to McRoadkills, and try to guess how many kinds of meat and/or dirt are in your food.

In conclusion, if you're going to whine and bitch when there's a drop too much mustard on your burger, save your righteous fury and let the employees of Harveys off with a scowl. We'll appreciate it.

Wow... I haven't written anything real in... a year? Maybe two? Does this even count as "real"?

It's not exactly "Christmas Spirit" -esque.... I might have to write something else before I eat myself into a coma in two weeks.

2006-11-10T19:25:00.000-05:00

Alright, back to the real reason this blog exists: to find, and note, stuff worth watching on the internet. Today, I've got two series of amazing and hilarious clips definately worth watching.

First is Will It Blend? - a genious marketing campaign for blenders. Blenders!

The clips:
Golf Balls
Ice into Snow
50 Marbles
Rake Handle

Yes, it blends!

Second on our list of awesomeness is an old classic - Terry Tate: Office Linebacker. Enough said.

First Clip
Terry's Past
Sensitivity Training
Vacation
Draft Day

Why yes, it has been a productive day.

2006-10-16T23:05:00.000-04:00

As per my usual way, I'll be posting something pointless, slightly offensive, and hilarious. Observe (it might take a minute to load the whole thing):

Now, I'm 78% sure that this is a joke. I think. I found it in my sister's car this afternoon...

Frankly, the most hilarious part is the underlining.

2006-09-30T21:14:00.000-04:00

Well, I wasn't going to post anything again for a while just out of general principal, but after coming across a few hilarious things on Youtube, I had to post them.

Item #1: Yehya
This guy doesn't seem that hilarious at first, but he's somewhat amusing.

Item #2: The Easter Bunny Hates You
A classic that many have probably seen already. But still funny.

Item #3: Hit in the Head with a Shovel
For those of us that have a tendancy to burst out laughing when someone gets hurt.

Item #4: Dr. Tran
There's a reason I left this one 'till last. It's long. And probably funnier than the rest all put together.

2006-09-18T19:05:00.000-04:00

Why, yes! I have redeveloped my appreciation for The Police!

In other news, we're fighting plague.

I'm not sure if we want this getting out, but I can't see any harm in posting it up on that place where anyone in the world with $10 per month can find out by simply being bored enough to come across this page. No harm at all.

Let me explain the whole story. First off, our friend who lives in another appartment near us (henceforth refered to as "Garry") got bed bugs. This was back in July and, seeing as we felt bad for him, let him stay with us while he fought the immense battle for couches and beds at his place. Finally, he was completely moved out of his place (and into ours temporarily) and the fight was over. Or so we thought.

Two or so weeks ago, one of my apartment-mates ("Vernados") brought us some disturbing news. Or rather, his back brought us the news: bed bug bites. Garry, being a bed bug veteran, instantly confirmed our dreaded suspicions. We had bed bugs.

After we recovered from the initial shock, my room-mate ("Dante") took the lead. Over some freezies, we had a long discussion on the possible source of these bedbugs. Your immediate thoughts might be "DUUHHH GARY HAD BEDBUGS YOUR SO STUPID LOL!!!1," and if this is the case, open up that thing that says "My Computer," right click on the drive that says "C" and click "Format." Ignore all the warnings. This will give your computer super powers and racing stripes. Trust me.

Though the source may seem obvious, consider these facts:
1. Garry had bedbugs about 2 months before all this happened. If they had come over with his stuff, we assume they wouldn't have waited around for 2 months to bite. They can detect carbon dioxide, so there's no way they couldn't have found us.
2. Another apartment-mate ("Sabastian") had gone camping shortly before all this began. One of the guys in his tent was reported to have bed bugs. However, he may have had them over a year ago. We don't know, and have yet to find out.
3. Bed bugs are becoming an epidemic in my hometown ("Toledo"). Either of the above possibilities is as likely as getting them from another apartment, someone on the bus, etc.
So, in short, we had no idea where they came from. And we still dont.

However, we still had to fight. Shortly after, we armed ourselves with Raid and bug killing powder, ready to restore order to our rioting appartment.

We still had a great obstical ahead of us, though. Despite our extensive search, we found no bed bugs in Vernados' room anywhere. This puzzled us greatly, and left our attack suspended.

The next day, I came home to find our living room looking different. I thought and thought, but I couldn't put my finger on what was changed. Sabastian quickly showed me the dumpster from our balcony, and I found what was missing: a couch. It seems that Vernados realized he had barely moved from one particular couch for aeons. After some lifting of cushions, flipping of couch, and general tearing apart, they declared the couch a lost cause and disposed of it. It was a battle lost.

But the war was not over. Oh no, my friends. With renewed vigour, we brought out the Raid and silicon dust to the battlefield.

Since then, we haven't lost any more couches. Though we have found a few, we refuse to give up the fight. We fight on still.

And that is pretty much the story of the last couple weeks of my life. I was considering dramatising, adding ninjas and pirates, but I decided to give the straight dope instead. I hope no one is disappointed.

Another note - all of the fake names used are real. Yes, even Vernados. Search for them here if you don't believe me.

2006-08-23T13:40:00.000-04:00

So. I haven't posted yet this month. It's not because I don't care about my two readers (one, excluding myself) - it's because I have very little to write about. And that isn't because I'm not doing anything new or exciting. It's because I'm not sitting in front of my computer as much. Actually, that's a lie. I work in front of my computer now, which is why I enjoy getting away from it.

There's also the hot tub.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that nobody reads this, so I feel no obligation to post stuff. It's something for me to do when I'm bored more than something for you to do when you're really bored. Confused? So am I.

And now people on Facebook are reading this. That adds one whole reader. Hopefully.

In conclusion, you should do something productive. Like look at this recipe for Meat Cake.

2006-07-31T10:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Everyone,

Check out my new theme song for life: Captain Sensible.

That is all.

(Wot?)

2006-07-21T00:16:00.000-04:00

In honour of my approaching birthday, I've decided to post hilarious lyrics of an Arrogant Worms song - I hope you hate it.

Once a year we celebrate with stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make another trip around the sun
And the whole clan gathers round and gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound and sing that stupid song

Happy Birthday
Now you're one year older
Happy Birthday
Your life still isn't over
Happy Birthday
You did not accomplish much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough

So let's drink to your fading health and hope you don't remind yourself
Your chances of finding fame and wealth decrease with every year
Does it feel like you're doing laps and eating food and taking naps
And hoping that some day perhaps your life will hold some cheer

Happy Birthday
What have you done that matters?
Happy Birthday
You're starting to get fatter
Happy Birthday
It's downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone

If cryogenics were all free then you could live like Walt Disney
And live for all eternity inside a block of ice
But instead your time is set this is the only life you get
And though it hasn't ended yet sometimes you wish it might

Happy Birthday
You wish you had more money
Happy Birthday
Your life's so sad it's funny
Happy Birthday
How much more can you take
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake

2006-06-29T14:15:00.000-04:00

Now I don't normally post this kinda stuff, but who can honestly resist finding out their pirate name?

My pirate name is:

Mad John Kidd

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Take this quiz. It has muppets.

2006-06-23T10:55:00.000-04:00

One of the coolest things I have seen in a long time: 3D Street Art

2006-06-22T13:44:00.000-04:00

For all those guys who don't believe in the rule "ladies first"...

2006-06-19T15:11:00.000-04:00

After living in Toronto, I've come to realize the importance of sports. But to some, sports are more than important. They are desired - nay, essential - for life.

The problem? I hate sports. I see no point in sitting in front of a TV, yelling things at people that get paid more in a year than I'll ever see in my life, and who can't hear me. I'd rather be outside playing them myself. And by "outside playing them myself," I mean "eating chocolate."

However, despite the endless questions about who I'm cheering for, I can still enjoy the season. There are many positives - for instance, people seem to shower more than usual. And, there are all the little flags to steal/vandalize. For my international readers who don't know what I'm talking about, everyone in Toronto has little flags sticking out of their car windows, like so:

These flags are the drivers' way of showing how patriotic (and empty-headed) they are.

Now, there are also super-sportsfans. These are people who spend every moment of spare time in front of the TV watching sports. During class, they look up scores and stats on their laptops. And, their flags reflect the BQ (boring quotient) of their lives:

For those that don't believe that people actually do this, there was a guy with a flag this big on his car. He was spotted on June 18 on St. Clair West at 6:00. Seriously.

So, what team do I root for?

Any team you hate.

2006-06-07T23:33:00.000-04:00

I've got a big bag o' crabs here
I'm gonna put them in my mouth, Oh Yes!
I'm gonna run 'round the town on a market day
and everyone will point at me and say
"I've got a mouth full of crabs"
Ayeebadee bat boo baddleboop baww...

2006-05-18T23:34:00.000-04:00

Dear world,
You are about to witness the amazingness sprouting from the minds of Jim Tosh and Mike Young. Witness: the Twinkie Song.

(Sung to the tune of "Do a Deer")

Do, the stuff that makes the twinkie,
Re, the guy who makes the twinkies,
Me, the one he makes them for,
Fa, a long long way to the twinkie store,
So, I'll have another twinkie,
La, la la la la la twinkie!
Ti, no thanks! I'll have a twinkie
that will lead us back to Do (twinkietwinkietwinkie)

and repeat.

2006-05-09T21:59:00.000-04:00

So... it's been two months. This place is getting dusty. It seems I have been a bit busy lately (or at least too busy for a site no one checks anyways) and, as per my convention, I'll make a poor attempt at making up for the lack of updatingness. Our first item on the list today is a video I made about two years ago. The reason I didn't post it earlier was that the program I used to make it didn't render it right. So I recently messed around with it and lo! the video is available for all to see! In case any are wondering, yes, we did try to make Jello over 20 years old. Yes, we are insane. Keep in mind that I originally made this for a junior high sermon Dan had - so this video is aimed for the age range of 12ish. I'm still proud of it, though (and for good reason - I've never before encountered a video with both "Mah na mah na" and "Bananaphone" together). So witness, a Jello Adventure.

I was going to post more stuff, but instead, I think I'll just post links to all six episodes of Trunk Monkey.
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6

Wait, I just randomly thought of one more thing. It's an old rhyming thing that I heard years ago. Here be it:

Ladies and gentlemen,
bums and cramps,
bow-legged beetles,
and cross-eyed ants,
I come here before you
and sit down behind you
to tell you a story
I know nothing about.
On one fine day
in the middle of the night,
two dead men
got up to fight.
They stood back to back
and faced each other,
drew their blades
and shot each other.
A deaf policeman
heard the noise
and came and shot
the two dead boys.

Wow... where did that come from?

2006-03-02T23:15:00.000-05:00

It seems I haven't updated in a while. If you're wondering why, it's because I've joined forces with other semi-nerds to produce our school's paper. And so, my good material is now saved for that (my first article going in the paper is an appropriate version of my old post about the TTC). And so you, the reader, get my grade B material today. Sorry 'bout that.

So, I was installing the good classic Sim Tower tonight. After everything was installed, I got the following message, and realized why I liked computers more five years ago:

If you see nothing hilarious about this, you're either tired, not nerdy enough, or didn't read the last sentence of the first section. Not only does it make the claim that registering will make them my best friend, there's not even a possibly expected exclamation point to emphasize humour - just a simple statement that Maxis will be my best friend.

Sounds like a pretty good deal, if you ask me.

2006-02-07T21:07:00.000-05:00

Some True Facts about Chuck Norris.

True. Really.

2006-01-28T23:01:00.000-05:00

It's 11 o'clock on Saturday night, and I'm wasting time yet again.

I have a 9 minute speech to perform on Monday. This particular speech is an informative speech. My teacher expects me to explain something.

I'm talking about toothpicks.

This is in the hopes that among the talks of processors and video games, a new perspective on a common commodity in our society will provide me a decent grade, or at the very least a couple laughs.

Anywho, this is more about what I found during my research. One of my sources, The Straight Dope, gave me an article about the basic process of production of toothpicks, as well as some general history. However, when I searched for "toothpicks," two articles came up. This is the other.

I'm not sure what to think. The rest of the stuff on the site seems legitimate. And frankly, it seems believable. Heck, who didn't know of a kid who ate glue in kindergarten?

In conclusion, the rest of the world is almost as crazy as me.

2006-01-14T12:10:00.000-05:00

The Adventures of Gingerbread dating:

Go Here. Now.

For those that are curious, I'm not going to explain. Suckers.

2006-01-08T16:24:00.000-05:00

Being the supernerd that I be, I thought I'd post this. It gave me a good chuckle. Hehe... that damn paperclip.

2005-12-29T17:55:00.000-05:00

I have a confession to make. This confession might label me as the Grinch, but I must confess it anyways. It is a deep and dark secret I have kept (kind of) hidden for all my life. And here, right now, you get to find out what it is.

I hate the song "Winter Wonderland".

Now, before you smack me, listen to my side of the story. I hear this song everywhere I go; and I mean absolutely everywhere - not even shifty gas stations or public restrooms are safe anymore. You hear it while you're shopping, you hear it on at school, etc. On top of this, at least a hundred trillion people have recorded this song. Seriously though, I did some research - let me show you what I found.

Forty-seven Reasons To Cry:

Scared yet? That's what I thought. And this isn't even all of them - LetsSingIt.com is nowhere near complete. For a song that isn't even very good to begin with, it has made quite the devastating mark on the world around us. I don't know if we'll ever recover.

In conclusion, Perry Como can burn in hell.

2005-11-28T22:30:00.000-05:00

Ahoy All!

Guess where I am? That's right - I'm in my living room... on my Christmas present! Behold the awesomeness that is my new PALM!!!

Since it be somewhat difficult to write on this beaster (I haven't got a keyboard yet) I will finish off this ridiculously short and meaningless post. Farewell all!

2005-11-12T14:18:00.000-05:00

As my housemate (pictured in pope attire in the previous post) once worked at the Inn of the Good Shepherd, he came across many an interesting thing. One of those things is a porta-confessional/kneeler (also pictured in previous post). Another is the utter hilarity that is:

Now, as much as I wish to take credit for this, I must admit that this is, in fact, the actual header for an Amish newspaper.

I'm not really sure what to say. I can't imagine them naming their paper "Intercourse News" in that context, and yet, would they believe anyone to take it otherwise?

I don't want to know what their families are doing together.

2005-11-03T13:16:00.000-05:00

Well, in the interest of giving everyone one more thing to procrastinate with, I shalst give a grand ol' post! What about? Absolutely nothing!

Well... not quite nothing. I'll first be giving an overview of the past 20ish days. Let's see...

Well I returned to the grand ol' Sarnia-dizzle once again. Why? Two reasons - my friends were there and my parents were not. We partied non-stop. And by partied, I mean went to stokes then watched the Nightmare Before Christmas (which, I must say, is quite the excellent movie - yay Tim Burton!). But, better than that, I got in plenty of time with My Girl, for it was her week off. Hoorah! Overall, it was a pleasant experience.

...except for the means of getting there and getting home. You see, Greyhound is the devil. They gave me wrong information twice. The first time, it cost me $20 extra to take the Richard Q from London as I missed my transfer there. The second, they told me the wrong place to go for the picking-upness from Sarnia. This resulted in My Girl's father offering me a ride to London, which was very awesome. But nonetheless, Greyhound sucks. Really.

Hmmmm.... I suppose the only other event was halloween. Instead of describing it, I'll just provide a series of pictures:

I think the rest is up to you to figure out*.

* This is all fake.

2005-10-13T15:37:00.000-04:00

So, does anybody want to know what I did last weekend? Well too freakin' bad! You're gonna hear about it anyways! Mainly because it's the best weekend I've had since I left the grand ol' GSA.

It started in quite a grand fashion. Firstly, I left here and got stuck in traffic. Then I got to Sarnia. And the next morning, the real adventure began...

It started off with a slight rain, but that wouldn't stop me. I was off to Oberlin, Ohio, to see the most wonderful girl! And a little rain wasn't about to stop me. For three and a half hours I drove with a face-splitting grin. I think the customs officer was a little confused. Anywho, I drove through Port Huron, then through Detroit, then through Toledo, and finally on the last stretch of highway, all the while listening to some wonderful music. And by music, I mean Lord of the Rings on tape. You might think I'm a nerd. Well sucks to your ass-mar.

Finally, after what seemed like centuries, I arrived at Oberlin. Now, Oberlin is not a place of... well... many people. In fact, it's around a tenth the size of Sarnia. But nonetheless, it is a grand place. And it's full of hippies! Go hippies!

And as I turned at the one streetlight (it was morning so it hadn't turned off yet), and turned another street, I came to South, the palace of my princess. And lo - there she stood in all her purple glory and beauty waiting for me! Hoorah! At this point, my face was in pain from the grinning, but I was not able to stop.

The weekend was quite eventful - from the Conservatory, to South, to the one grocery store, to the Apollo - we explored it all. And as I was taken on my walking tour to see everything to be seen of the quiet little town (right... quiet...) I was filled with such joy as cannot be explained here to be hand in hand with the princess of Oberlin.

One event never to be left out is the smoothie run. After my darling girl was finished at work, we took the life-changing journey to another building for smoothies. Now these are no ordinary smoothies, my friend. These are the best smoothies you've ever had. No joke. The delightful combination of strawberry, peach, and mango was quite beyond my vocabulary to describe. This, however, was not the sole delicious event of the weekend. There was also the endless shrimp. Yes, that's right - we went to Red Lobster.

But after all the shrimp, and the smoothies (not to mention a kickass concert), it was at last time to part, possibly one of the most painful moments of my time. And the final moments were of sadness and tears. For I had to leave my beautiful, and return from whence I came. But alas, in Oberlin lies my heart, and there shall it ever long to be.

2005-10-12T14:55:00.000-04:00

You know, living in Toronto for a month and a half has already made me a professional on matters involving public transit - specifically, the bus. The bus is an unusual and amazing place where just about anything could happen - things explode, people fight, old people make out - you name it. And so, given my expertise, I will give you a brief overview of a few of the typical people you'll see if you so choose to ride the rocket.

The Student:
The bookbag-toting, breakfast-eating, last-page-of-homework-finishing student on their way to school. They can be easily spotted with their overly-stuffed backpacks (not to be confused with the ordinary backpacks EVERYONE else carries). Best giveaway is when you see one crack open a textbook to finish up those last couple questions.

The Loud-Mouth Teens:
On your average bus ride, you can expect to be utterly annoyed by a couple teenage girls. These girls will talk so loud that they'll get odd looks from people in surrounding cars - and I'm not even exagerating here. They'll talk about whatever mindless drivel they so choose - can range anywhere from how great their boyfriends are to how stupid their boyfriends are.

The Old Chinese Man:
Now don't consider me racist or age..ist... here - all I'm saying is that there is usually some older guy who's primary language is not english. This man will be utterly confused about the fare, the transfers, the stop signal, sitting down - just about everything you could ever imagine. And if he spoke more than "yes" in english, you might just want to help him.

The Family:
This will always consist of at least one parent and usually about three children. There is lots of variety here, though, since families can come in just about any size with any age range with any number of parents. The kids can be loud, the parents can argue, the kids can run all over the bus and trip and fall or get lost.... the possibilities are endless! And keep in mind that this group can overlap with the loud-mouth teens or old chinese man.

The Serial Killer:
This is the guy that looks like he'll wring your neck at the first available opportunity. He tends to show up late at night more often than not, and has a knack for sitting at the far rear of the bus. On the rare occasion that this man be found during the day when its busy, you can be sure that no one will be sitting next to him.

The "Lovebirds":
Perhaps the easiest to spot - but can sometimes be confused with the "Joined by the Lips at Birth" group (not covered in this overview). If they can't find two seats next to each other, they'll stand right in front of you and make out for the greater part of the trip. This is the funnest group to "accidentally" knock over during a particularly bumpy piece of road. Beware, though, as this group can be of any age. Averting the eyes from those less inclined to youth may be necessary unless you happen to have good gag reflex control.

Well, that pretty well summarizes exactly the types of people you can expect to find on the oh-so-unhygenic commute. I think this must be the reason people carry guns in New York.

***NOTE: If you actually take any of this seriously, and think that I'm a prejudist pig, you're probably right. I mean wrong. Don't take me seroiusly.

2005-10-02T12:05:00.000-04:00

Well since my vast audience (ie. my Gorgeous) is interested in the minute details of my life, I decided to post more pictures of awesome things in my appartment.

I am definately the coolest guy in this entire city. Know why? This is what I did on Friday night. What is it? A Magic 8-Ball! You just press down that red button and it starts blinking between the red and green... and such begins the production of my robots that will undoubtedly take over the world.

This is our kitchen table centerpiece. It be a couple wooden sailor things guarding our pet fish, Sushi Jr. For those that don't know, Sushi Jr. has been Sam's pet fish for two years now - and has super fish powers.

Revel in the awesomeness of Sushi Jr.

These are Brad's cacti. He loves them very much. He kisses them. He is not the smartest guy in the world.

And finally, we arrive to Dan's bubbling zen fountain. It's chock full of bubbling water and calming zen goodness! Hoorah! Unfortunately, it has this habit of spewing water everywhere sometimes...

2005-09-26T19:18:00.000-04:00

Do you know what this is?

This is what I got this weekend. What is it, you may ask? Well it might be a crapload of electrical stuff from my faja. Hoorah closet space! What is their use, you ask? Twofold: presents for pretty girls and WDR's (World Domination Robots). Go Me!

2005-09-25T00:57:00.000-04:00

And now it's time for:
Jokes with Fil! (applause)

Now... If you expect grade A humour, you're not getting it. This isn't even paid. You're lucky to even have me! Bah.. stupid crowd. Let's get this over with.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
A: Bob.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?
A: Phil.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pot?
A: Stu.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the floor?
A: Matt.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs with a pen in his mouth?
A: Drew.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs holding up a car?
A: Jack.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
A: Art.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A: Russel.

Horrible? Yeah that's what I thought. But you probably wanted an update. So there you are.

2005-09-18T12:14:00.000-04:00

So I was just minding my own business, reading my fan mail, when I notice an ad on the side. Most ads are pretty stupid, and therefore ignored. But this ad was so stupid, so blood-curdlingly annoying that I had to write about it.

It was an ad for date.ca. That's pretty much all I ever see in hotmail anymore - ads targeted towards balding middle aged men who have no luck with the ladies. Honestly - how hard is it to get yourself your own date? People have been doing it for centuries. Did I meet the greatest girl in the world through an electric box? No - I met her in this place called reality. You see, in reality, you don't get to sit at home on your ass safe behind your computer screen - you're there, with people. You have to deal with acceptance and rejection both. You have to show people who you are, rather than just (graciously) tell them.

So I have to wonder - how many people worth dating go on those sites? If they're not capable of getting a date on their own, chances are that nobody wants to date this person. So why would you go looking for your soul mate on the internet? I conclude that that is not the purpose of internet dating.

This is the ad that roused my ire. Why? Because it's a perfect example of what I've been saying. What do you think this person is on here for? Probably because she was kicked out of the bar for good and has to get her lovin' elsewhere. Maybe she's being paid for it. But what bothers me most about this ad is the "Real People - Real Love" slogan. This honestly makes me want to nuke earth - that we seem to think that we can find Real People (needless to say, real love) over a site that's out to make money. And take a look at the picture of "Tamara" - she's probably accentuating her two "best features" right there. If you don't know what I mean, then I'm not explaining.

But anyway, why do you think she is on this site? I'm pretty sure, by evidence of the picture, it's safe to say that she's looking for someone's pants to get into. I really don't like that they're using the cover of "Real Love" for this, so I've gone to the liberty of making a new ad.

Now this is a little more along the lines of truth. Why don't they just publish mine? There seems to be no moral qualm with it. Why have the bullshit front? In fact, they'd probably get more customers this way.

I can honestly say that I am thoroughly sickened by these kind of ads. Ads don't usually bother me in general - our economy depends on them. But why do they have to cheapen society like this? Why do they have to show just how low humanity has gone? Oh yeah, I forgot - it works.

2005-09-09T23:19:00.000-04:00

Ahoy all! I have boldly ventured to the land of Toronto. Hooray.

Anywho, since I'm sure everyone is dying to know how my appartment looks, I thought I'd give you a virtual tour...

This is the kitchen. It rocks. It's got a lot of shelf space. And Sushi Jr. who isn't quite able to be seen. He's our pet fish. He's lived for about two years, apparently. Props to him.

This is a shot of our dining/living room-ish area. It rocks.

This is the other half of our living room. It rocks. And that is my housemate Sam. He is very hyper. And if you'll look to the right of the photograph, you'll see a portable kneeler. It also rocks. Get this - it even turns into a CONFESSIONAL!

This is Brad's room. It rocks. Since this picture was taken, he has decorated with much cacti.

This is Sam's room. It rocks.

This is Dan's and my room. It rocks. Since the taking of these pictures, I have decorated with Napolean Dynamite posters. They also rock.

This is my cosy desk where I happen to be sitting right now. It rocks. Check out the lava lamp. Oh yeah.

This is my bathroom. It rocks. I bet you wish you had your own bathroom. Bahahaha.

This is my closet. It rocks. This is where I keep my shoes, clothes, and unmentionables. Oh, and the bodies.

This is a shot from our balcony. It rocks. Basically, if you walk out onto our balcony and look right, this is what you'll see. Our neighbour apparently has stocked up in case of nuclear warfare.

This is the view from the 9th floor. It does, in fact, rock. Not too shabby if I may say so myself.

Sorry about the massive amounts of images here. Well actually, I'm not sorry. Get cable.

And one final comment I must add - a lament for Mr. Marbles, the gecko. You see, when we were talking to administration before we came here, they specifically said NO PETS. Like, it got to the point where we were worried about bringing Sushi Jr. However, upon arrival, who joins us in the elevator to the 9th floor but two old ladies with their DOGS? Whoever DID let the dogs out, anyway? Anywho, Mr. Marbles is Brad's pet gecko. By the time we realized that nobody cares about pets, Brad was already on his way. Poor Mr. Marbles.

2005-08-28T23:59:00.000-04:00

Well everyone, this be my last night in the grand ol' Sarnia-dizzle.

Oh horror no! Whatever will you do without all the old people driving slowly and yelling at you all the time?

I'm not sure, Fil. Probably try to avoid getting shot.

Yeah - there are a buttload of gangs there. They wanted me to join because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff.

Ummm... you do realize that that was a blatant Napolean Dynamite ripoff, right?

Yeah, well, jokes don't grow on trees, aight?

This is a valid point. Unless you find leaves and/or certain kinds of fruit hilarious. Actually, pine cones can tend to be quite the crowd pleaser - just watch The Sound of Music if you don't believe me. Anywho, we've gone way off topic here. Tomorrow, I move to the grand ol' city of Toronto to tackle my biggest enemy yet - mildew. Yeah.

You mean that you'll be attempting to CLEAN? Whoa... that's... incredible!

I hate you. I really hate you.

Yeah... it happens.

Well, since I'm on a foreign computer, I have nothing amusing to post on here. And so I shall type to ye all again once I be in the appartment. Wish me well!

I wish you would fall down a well...

I hate you.

2005-08-23T12:27:00.000-04:00

Check out my new pet penguins! I named the blue one Vlad after my hero from Camp. The purple one is called Purpley for obvious reasons. Aren't they just awesome?

Hoorah!

2005-08-21T16:39:00.000-04:00

The countdown, my friends, is at 9.

9 what?

9 days.

Before what?

Before moving.

Moving where?

To Toronto.

Why are yo--

STOPPIT!

Hehe... fine.

As I was saying... I be moving to the big TO in 9 days. Exciting. And scary...

On an unrelated note, my blog seems to be working normally again! Go me! I've tried to fix it up a bit - shortened my sidebar, etc. Hoorah!

I just finished The Half-Blood Prince last night. Man... it was good. The best one yet, if you ask me. The ending really got to me - it was one of those endings where you're thinking "Something unexpected or odd will happen now." And it didn't - which, in itself, was unexpected... but because there was nothing unexpected... AHH!! This is making my head hurt.

So if you haven't read it yet, do so now.

On another totally unrelated note, I must show you something that I found today. You see, one day I was walking around in my grandparents' basement. Now, unless you had been in there before we cleaned it out, you cannot possibly have the slightest idea of what it was like down there. Think of everything that isn't biodegradable that you may own over 50 years of your life. Now picture all that stuffed into an unventilated basement - you might be skimming the surface of what it was like down here. Anywho, one day I was walking around when I found this awesome camera:

Yeah - this thing is ancient and awesome. So I took it home with me. Since then, it's been displayed on various bookshelves around my room. Today I decided that it might be worth something, so I started looking around on the internet. Well, here's something I found:

Hoorah for Retro Ads! On the same page, I found something else that almost made me fall off my chair:

Wow. I didn't know this thing would help me in atomic warfare. There's no way I'm selling it now.

2005-08-15T02:30:00.000-04:00

Well it seems I have a difficult time posting more than once a month.

No kidding. I'm like... totally abandoned here!

In my defence, I'm moving to the big TO in 16 days. I'm pretty psyched.

Or psychotic.

Thank you for your kind words...

Since I'm too lazy to actually write anything more than this, I thought I'd post the lyrics to a song I currently think is quite awesome. The lyrics aren't really deep or overly meaningfull... it's just an awesome song. You should listen to it. Right now. Using any non/legal procedures as necessary. Seriously - this song is awesome.

Enter the Haggis - Lanigan's Ball

In the town of Athy one Jeremy Lanigan
Battered away 'til he hadn't a pound.
His father he died and made him a man again
Left him a farm and ten acres of ground.
He threw a grand party to friends and relations
Who didn't desert him when it comes to the will,
And if you'll but listen I'll make your eyes glisten
And spin you a tale of Lanigan's Ball

Six whole months I spent in Dublin,
Six whole months doing nothing at all
Six whole months I spent in Dublin,
Learning to dance for Lanigan's ball
I stepped out and he stepped in again
He stepped out and I stepped in again
I stepped out and he stepped in again
Learning to dance to Lanigan's ball

Myself to be sure got free invitation,
For all the nice girls and boys I might ask,
And just in a minute both friends and relations
Were dancing as merry as bees 'round a cask.
There were lashings of punch and wine for the ladies,
Potatoes and cakes; there was bacon and tea,
There were the Nolans, Dolans, O'Gradys
Courting the girls and dancing away

Six whole months I spent in Dublin,
Six whole months doing nothing at all
Six whole months I spent in Dublin,
Learning to dance for Lanigan's ball
I stepped out and he stepped in again
He stepped out and I stepped in again
I stepped out and he stepped in again
Learning to dance to Lanigan's ball

They were doing all kinds of nonsensical polkas
Around the room in a whirligig
But Julia and I, we banished their nonsense
And gave them a taste of a real Irish jig.
Oh, how the girls got all mad at me
Danced 'til we thought that the ceiling would fall.
For I spent three weeks at Brooks' Academy
Learning new steps for Lanigan's Ball.

Six whole months I spent in Dublin,
Six whole months doing nothing at all
Six whole months I spent in Dublin,
Learning to dance for Lanigan's ball
I stepped out and he stepped in again
He stepped out and I stepped in again
I stepped out and he stepped in again
LEARNING TO DANCE TO LANIGAN'S BALL!

2005-07-10T18:14:00.000-04:00

You have stumbled upon...

Owen's Movie Reviews

Welcome to Owen's Movie Reviews. Today, we'll be examining the attrocity that is "The Grudge". Man. Just like a good portion of other craptastic not-so-scary movies I've seen lately, this one involves people wandering around a haunted house, alone, to investigate the disappearance of other people that wandered in alone. Why do they keep going in alone? Don't they understand? It's this simple fact that ruines most of these kinds of movies for me. Carrie, The Ring, Hide and Seek, The Ring 2, and Pride and Prejudice are the only real scary movies that I like. The most recent crap-fests (The Forgotten, White Noise, Saw, etc.) are just stupid and boring. Although I did laugh quite a bit in the forgotten. Hilarious.

Here is depicted a typical scene of a typical bad bad scary movie:

This is what most of The Grudge looked like. Stupid people, stupid ghost things, stupid house, stupid movie.

I don't understand - a company throws together a bunch of heart-beating-out-of-your-chest scenes and a few lines of dialogue to give it "story", then calls it a good scary movie? Yes, these movies give everyone in the theatre a heart attack, but so does fast food. It takes way more than that to create a good scary movie. Take, for instance, Hide and Seek. At first, I had a sneaking suspicion that this was going to be another typical bad movie, but that was changed as soon as I realized the actors weren't picked just for their "horror faces". You know, that face you see when one of the people finds someone dead in the bathtub or something. And there was actually plot. There were just the right amount of heart attack scenes, and a decent twist at the end.

Then, of course, there's the greatest scary movie of all time: Carrie. It's about a girl named Carrie, who gets picked on her whole life, and has a psychotic mother. She finds out that she has telepathy, and starts kicking ass. And none of that "everyone survives" crap, either - she burns her entire gymnasium containing all of her fellow classmates and a good portion of her teachers, then blows up a car containing this annoying girl and John Travolta. Of course, this movie was made in '76. They would never make another movie like this today - they would spend too much time making sure no one would be offended to include any ass-kickery. Man, I love this movie.

Well, I suppose this concludes my movie review. I realize this is a very Maddox-esque type post. No, I don't care.

2005-07-06T12:58:00.000-04:00

That's it - I'm not letting the non-posting go on another instant! Sorry for neglecting you, my thousands of readers. Right.

So, let's see what has happened in the last month...

Well, first and foremost, there was prom. It was pretty darn awesome. Check us out:

No, your eyes do not deceive you - I am wearing a purple tie that matches my hot babe's awesome and slightly sparkly purple dress. Oh man, we rock.

Then, there was our limo (provided by the Oin Limo Service). No, it's not my van with a few tablecloths over the seats and christmas lights strewn about, really...

It was quite awesome - we were the envy of everyone there. Go us.

Well, last month, I also graduated. YESSSS!

Not too long ago was the illustrius Canada Day. That was good times, let me tell you. We got all dressed up in our checkered Canada pants and played with LCB, then just general partying until the fireworks and such other festivities that night. Awesomeness!

Well I think that sums up last month pretty well. Not too bad of a month, if I may say so myself.

2005-05-27T00:09:00.000-04:00

So what exactly did you guys do in New York, anyways?

I'm glad you asked. I'll let this picture speak for itself:

2005-05-22T23:10:00.000-04:00

I'm HOOOOOOOME!

You were gone?

Why yes - I spent the last three days in New York. Man... it was pretty awesome.

Did you bring me a shirt?

Uhhh.... no.

Bastard.

In fact, right now I can't even post a picture or two as my gorgeous currently has my camera. But I'll post some. Eventually.

Man... you suck.

Yeah well... get over it.

2005-05-11T22:12:00.000-04:00

POSTY POSTY POST POST. POSTY McPOSTERSON. POSTY POSTER. POSTER McPOSTPOST. ....POST!!!

There... I posted.

(ps. - POST'D!)
(pps. - no, I'm not (completely) insane - I'm just odd)
(ppps. - EEEEEHEEEHEEEHEEEHEEEHEEE!!!)

2005-05-01T21:58:00.000-04:00

Hello, all.

YOU?!?! And just WHERE have you been for the last MONTH?!?!

Well April was kinda busy. About the middle of the month, I realized I hadn't posted all month, but was too busy to do anything about it. By the time I reached the last week, I decided to just skip April.

Skip April? What the crap?

I don't know. Guess what? Today be me and m'lady's eight montheversary. It's been eight whole months, folks! Go us!!!

Congrats.

On a second note - if you haven't already, watch the movie "A Series of Unfortunate Events". Then watch the outtakes. Then read the following quote:

"You wanna get some Chinese after the show?"
"Yeah! Let's get 'em!!"
"Uhh... Chinese food."

2005-03-29T23:10:00.000-05:00

So... we all know what Easter is about, right?

A celebration of the pagan goddess Eostre, the goddess of fertility, whose signs are the egg and the rabbit?

Nope. It's about candy.

I thought I had you there.

Nice try. Now, why bring this up, you ask?

Hey - why are you bringing this up, anyways?

That's what I thought. Well it just so happens that m'lady rocks and got me the greatest thing ever:

No, your eyes don't deceive you - she got me a chocolate Homer. How easterish is that? A big props to m'lady.

Oh, and those eggs were a joint effort - aren't they awesome?

They are indeed. Who knew that you had such artistic talent?

Not I. On a side note, I'd like you to meet my hero: Chuck Mangione

Yes, he plays flugelhorn. And if you find a picture of him without it, call Ripley's.

2005-03-19T01:31:00.000-05:00

Just... just look at this. M'lady found it. It makes my head hurt.

2005-03-16T03:26:00.000-05:00

I've just received an astounding piece of news.

2005-03-13T19:12:00.000-05:00

So this weekend, I undertook a mighty project.

What, you clean your room or something?

Shut it up, you. I've definately done more than that. Since I love my lover, and since I have the freedom of the kitchen with my parents gone, I decided to bake my lover a cookie. Check it out:

Man, that is one lucky lover.

I'm glad you agree. And what's more, she liked it. Even claimed it tasted good.

Woah now - are you trying to say that you're good in the kitchen?

And what if I am?

Hmmm... well that IS a pretty impressive cookie. I give you a gold star.

WOOHOO!

2005-02-28T22:25:00.000-05:00

Twice in one day is unusual, yes.

But something has come to my attention that cannot be ignored.

See the illustrious Magical Trevor.

I feel pretty bad for the guy. Like... that was a pretty good trick. Just cause his whip is made of leather, everyone's mad at him. Poor, poor Trevor.

If you enjoyed it, feel free to check out the second episode of Magical Trevor. Not as good as the first, but still has a catchy song.

Oh man, Trevor. Your song is ever so catchy.

2005-02-28T16:12:00.000-05:00

So apparently my brother and his friends are all crazy.

Really now? How can you tell?

Uhhh.... just take a look at this.

Wow. That's pretty crazy.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure the only one here that's overly impressed is Heather, though.

2005-02-23T15:12:00.000-05:00

So it's been, what, 9 days?

Yup. This place is dead.

That's sad.

You gonna do anything about it?

Hmmm.... I could tell you about my day of hell.

If that's the best you've got, then go ahead.

Well, this was last Sunday. It started out in the morning when I woke up. I did the usual (shower, eat, kick stuff) and got out my good pants and suit and such, as I had a concert to play at that day. Not having a tuxedo, however, I wanted to borrow the one at my school. Arriving at the school, not a car was in sight. However, one of the doors was slightly open. After stepping in and walking a short distance, I heard the sound no one wants to hear: DEEEDOOODEEEDOOODEEEDOOODEEEDOOO!!!!! The music room was locked, so I headed out to my car. Just as I had gotten settled and had some decent music on, the police showed up. Using my awesome ninja skills, I dodged all the bullets, did a few classy backflips, and took them all down. Just kidding - I didn't do any backflips. Anywho, I headed out to the Imperial where they had already started practicing. After practice, I had just enough time to go home to grab something to eat, then get back to play at 3:00. On the way back, however, someone decided at the last possible second that they needed a donut, so I had to swerve around them. This put my car into an unmistakable spinning frenzy of doom. I just happened to stop in a parallel park, in the left lane. Pretty classy if I may say so myself.

That was thoroughly hell-like.

2005-02-14T18:47:00.000-05:00

My Lady is Sexy.

Really now? Moreso than me?

Yes.

Well, okay. You're right.

Exactly - in fact, she just won the "Damn Sexy" award.

I see - who gives that out?

Me. Look:

So it's official then?

Yes it is. In fact, she made me a cake for valentine's day. Look:

This is no run-of-the-mill cake, either. She made it. Not bought, not partially assembled - MADE. How sexy is that?

Pretty damn sexy. I bet most guys wish their girlfriend would do that for them.

I can only agree. You know she slaved for hours and hours to make that? She rocks. A great big props to m'lady and her sexiness. Now, avid reader (no, I don't remember what avid means, nor do I feel compelled to look it up), spread the word: MY LADY IS DAMN SEXY!!

2005-02-09T21:34:00.000-05:00

Now, we all have ways of dealing with things when they break. Here's the best way to deal with them:

Thanks to EngPlanet.com for that one.

2005-02-06T14:54:00.000-05:00

Today, I'd like to have a good long, complicated discussion about politics.

Really?

No. Here's a song about how great penises are.

Penis Song (from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life)

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick.
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

2005-01-25T18:13:00.000-05:00

Today I bring you one of my favourite songs of all time, from one of my favourite movies of all time. Enter: Monty Python.

Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--

"That's enough singing for now."

2005-01-18T18:38:00.000-05:00

2005-01-17T22:34:00.000-05:00

Owen and Mzee

The one-year-old hippo calf christened Owen was found, alone and dehydrated, by wildlife rangers near the Indian Ocean, reports BBC News. He was placed in an enclosure of a wildlife sanctuary in Kenya, where he befirended a male tortoise of a similar colour. They sleep together, eat together and "have become inseparable," according to a park official. "The hippo follows the tortoise around and licks his face" said Pauline Kimoti. The tortoise is named Mzee, which is Swahili for old man.

Best news report EVER

2005-01-12T16:21:00.000-05:00

Check out my list of people I want to smack.

2005-01-08T13:33:00.000-05:00

Well, cleaning my tornado-swept room proved to be rewarding, as I came across a few papers from a long time ago. Both happen to be about heather. And now I shall share them.

==========================================

Reasons Heather = Slut

1. She's Scottish. Scottish = kilts. Kilts = slut.
2. She's thirsty. What could have made her mouth so dry? Slut.
3. She constantly has sex hair. Slut.
4. She "studies" with her man. Slutty McSlutterson.
5. She's short. Just the right height for... slut.
6. She's taking biology. What does one learn in biology? How about... human anatomy? What a slut.
7. Her favourite animal is sheep. What do sheep do? They go around, growing hair and having sex. Bahh.. bahh... slut.
8. She likes things to be neat and tidy. Smells like she's compensating for something. Slutface.
9. She has shoes and a plant named after her. Sounds like a porn star. Slut.
10. Her nose bleeds. I wonder why. I mean, crack whores' noses bleed, but that couldn't possibly be the reason. Slut.
11. She tries to steal my keys to the shaggin' wagon. I wonder what she wants that for... slutty driver...
12. She likes her own cleavage. Especially when it goes all the way to her chin. Cleavage slut.
13. She has named her own boobs. I don't want to say anything more. Juicy and Lucy = sluts.
14. Whe likes dollar stores. They have everything you want for just a dollar. She feels quite at home there. Cheap slut.
15. She has a trombone and knows all the positions... first position, second position, slut.
16. Just look at her pimp, Mr. Slut. Aww, how sweet... and slutty...
17. She can play trombone really well - her hand moves fast and she blows hard. I wonder where else she could use those skills... slut.
18. She has a set of sexy pens. Hmmm... sexy pens... I don't want to know where they've been. Slut.

*** This list has been approved by MMM.

==========================================

This list is ridiculous. You practically called yourself a slut a good number of times.

Nobody asked you. Now, on to the next one.

==========================================

This old whore, she played one
She won't stop until she's done
With a knick-knack, patty-whack
Give the whore a bone
This old pimp is going home

This old whore, she played two
Wonder what she's gonna do
With a knick-knack, patty-whack
Give the whore a bone
This old pimp is going home

This old whore, she played three
She brought home an STD
With a knick-knack, patty-whack
Give the whore a bone
This old pimp is going home

This old whore, she played four
She keeps coming back for more
With a knick-knack, patty-whack
Give the whore a bone
This old pimp is going home

This old whore, she played five
Can't believe she's still alive
With a knick-knack, patty-whack
Give the whore a bone
This old pimp is going home

This old whore, she played six
Think her ass is full of ticks
With a knick-knack, patty-whack
Give the whore a bone
This old pimp is going home

This old whore, she played seven
Started when she was eleven
With a knick-knack, patty-whack
Give the whore a bone
This old pimp is going home

This old whore, she played eight
She sleeps all day and works late
With a knick-knack, patty-whack
Give the whore a bone
This old pimp is going home

This old whore, she played nine
Hope she doesn't start to whine
With a knick-knack, patty-whack
Give the whore a bone
This old pimp is going home

This old whore, she played ten
Sometimes opts for gay women
With a knick-knack, patty-whack
Give the whore a bone
This old pimp is going home

==========================================

Will somebody out there throw something at this guy for me?

2005-01-07T18:44:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of the new year, I've decided to answer another one of these questionaires. However, all my answers will start with the letter "P". Enjoy.

SIMPLE QUESTIONS:
1. Full name: Philippe Poltaire
2. Nicknames: Pimp Mastah
3. Shoe size: Possibly a 12
4. Height: Phive Phoot Eleven
5. Hair: Purple
6. Eyes: Purple
7. Do you like to sing in the shower? Possibly
8. What's 6x7? Phorty two
9. Birthday: Possible to remember? I think not. I was only two minutes old.
10. Sign: Platipus
11. Boxers or briefs?: noPe.
12. Sane? Perpetually
13. Righty or lefty: "Philippe is squirrel handed."
14. What do you want in a relationship? Porno
15.Do you have a car? Pontiac Sunfire
16. What kinda car do you have? Purple.

FAVOURITES
17. Movie: Princess Bride
18. Food: Perogies
19. Band: Petra
20. Song: Pop goes the weasel
21. Book: Purple
22. Subject: Purple
23. TV show: Pink Panther
24. Disney Character: Pinky and the Brain (not disney? Philippe doesn't care)
25. Colour: hmmm.... Purple.

THE FUTURE
26. Do you plan on having kids? Possibly
27. Get married? Please.
28. Would you have kids before marriage? probably not
29. Do you have a crush? Purple.
30. Do They Know? Pimp Mastah keeps all the ladies in the dark. And by dark, I mean bed.

THIS OR THAT
31. Music or TV: Petra
32. Guys/Girls: Platipuses
33. Pepsi/Coke: Plus, C
34. Black/White: Purple
35. Green/Blue: Purple
36. Pink/Purple: hmmmmm...... Poppy Red.
37. Summer/Winter: Philippe hates sunburns.
38. Day/Night: Pimpin' time = night.
39. Hanging Out/Chillin: Pimpin'
40. Dopey/Funny: Perfectly alright with me
41. Insane/sane: Pimp Mastah doesn't care as long as they pay up.
42. Sun/moon: Purple.

THE MOST
43. Favourite quote: "People are stupid. All of them." -- me
44. Scariest Dream: Pimp Mastah gets old.
45. Most Memorable Moment: Pathetic question

FRIENDS
46. Who Are They? Pimp Mastah needs no friends.
47. Best Friend(s): Philidia, Pimp Mastah's best costomer.
48. Nicest: Previous answer
49. Quietest: Previous answer
50. Blondest: Previous answer
51. Most Fun To Be Around: Previous answer.
52. Happiest: Previous answer
53. Funniest: Philippe is tired of repeating this.
54. Tallest:
55. Shortest:
56. Best personality:
57. Which people do you trust most?:
58. Do you believe in soul mates???
59. Is it right to flirt if you have a bf or gf?: Pimp Mastah thinks this is a stupid question.

MORE QUESTIONS:
61. Love or hate: Pimpin'
62. Silver or gold: Previous answer
63. Diamond or pearl: hehe... Pimp Mastah likes his bling bling
64. Sunset or sunrise: Pretty are both
65. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? Pimp Mastah rarely wears anything... ever...
66. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: Pierre, my stuffed platipus
67. Do you have any piercings: Piercings? methinks not.
68. What colour of underpants are you wearing right now? Pink.
69. What song are u listening to right now?: Phantom Mullet
70. Whats the last 4 digits of your phone home: Philippe doesn't like stalkers, thanks.
71. Where would you want to go on your honey moon: Paris.
73. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?: Pants... or lack of them.
74. What makes you happy?: Purple
75. What's the next cd you're gonna get?: Pimp music
76. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Pimp glasses
77. What's the best advice you've had given to you?: "People are stupid - all of them" --me
78. Have you ever won any special awards?: Pathetic ones.
79. What are your goals in life?: uhh... pimpin'
80. What colour is your toothbrush?: purple
81. Funny or scary movies?: Partially both
82. On the phone or in person?: Person
83. Hugs or kisses? pimpin'
84. What song seems to reflect you the most?: Pimp Daddy
85. If you died tomorrow who would you leave everything to?: Pimp Mastah leaves everything to himself.
86. Do you have any enemies?: Pimps - rival ones.
87. Would you rather be rich or famous? Pimp mastah is rich and famous.
88. What time is it in Albany, USA now? Past bedtime.
89. What's the weirdest thing you've heard/found out about someone: Pimpin' is a chronic disease... pfff...
90. Have you ever met Santa?: Pfff - of course - me and him go fishing on weekends.
91. If E.T. knocked on your door holding up a peace sign and asked you to use your phone what would you do?: Punch him - man, that guys ugly
93. Do you have any pets? Philiponio the newt
94. whats the temperature outside: pretty chilly
95. Last time you were stressed: Pimp mastah knows how to release his stress...
96. Are you an alcoholic? Pimpin requires alcohol sometimes
97. Who sent this to you? uhh... Pimp mastah's second lady?
98. What is that person like? Pretty sexy
99. Do you want your friends to write back? Preferably sending chocolate to me.
100. Something Nobody Knows About You: Pimp Mastah isn't my real name...

I hope you were all thoroughly disturbed by this. It took me two whole sittings. And now I'm off.

2005-01-03T23:08:00.000-05:00

So, for those of you who have read the stone angel...

What if Kartar was one of the Main Characters in The Stone Angel?

Kartar was Hagar's childhood friend. He worked in the store with Hagar. They were like best friends. When Hagar met Bram, Kartar was jealous and didn't want to lose Hagar, so he killed Bram. Hagar and Kartar moved to Michigan and worked at a telephone company. They conceived their first child (Hartar) in the copy room. It was a clear resemblance of Kartar, though, so they moved to Alaska, the only place in the world where the baby wouldn't be ridiculed for his mutant glow. Kartar didn't want the responsibility of his mutant glowing baby, so he drove a boat to Iceland where he went and hung out with Bjorm in a coffee shop eating cheese. The cheese was Swiss, but it didn't have any holes. Interesting.

The End.

2004-12-29T15:16:00.000-05:00

People often wonder what I drive. Take Fil for example.

Hey - what kind of car do you drive?

See? They all want to know. And now you can.

Thanks to Vicky for that one.

2004-12-29T01:32:00.000-05:00

Something has come to my attention that I must address.

And what might that be?

Ah, Fil. Thought you'd left or something. Long time no... type...

Yes, indeedy. I was on vacation. Florida was wonderful.

I hate you.

Don't we all.

Anywho, I'd like to address the issue of Now and Later.

Now and Later? As in "I want to kick you Now and hit you Later"?

Five minutes back and already making cracks, huh?

Be honest - did you expect anything less?

Hells no.

That's what I thought.

Anywho, back to the issue at hand.

Whenever anyone says something like "I'll do that later" or "Yeah you should do that now", I never quite understand what they mean. Do they want this done within the next five minutes, days, or years? After much deliberation, I figured it all out. Every situation can be placed into one of the following categories, depending on the speaker's tone of voice, body language, and/or direct specification to this website.

The "Now"s

Now = A.S.A.P.
Now Now = Immediately (ie. life or death)
Now Later = as soon as all other necessary activities are accomplished (ie. dinner before movie)

The "Later"s

Later = "sometime" (ie. no intention of ever doing this)
Later Later = the future (ie. "growing up")
Later Now = in the near future (like in a week or a day)

Others (that I'm too lazy to define):

Later Now Later
Now Later Now
Now Later Later
Later Now Now
Now Now Later
Later Later Now

I hope you find this guide helpful. If you think it's just a huge pile of crap, you're probably right. If you're actually considering using this, you officially have less of a life than me and should therefore get a job. At least I'm a janitor. What does this have to do with what I'm talking about? Who knows? Who cares?

2004-12-23T17:00:00.000-05:00

2004-12-14T15:38:00.000-05:00

A Story of Much Awesomeness

It was a Tuesday and the smell of gunpowder hung in the air. It was raining cats and dogs. Literally. All the trees were full of animals! The path I was on was littered with them. It was quite loud.
I was stepping over a large turtle when I came across a trough. It was still full of water. A sheep was drinking from it.
Smiling (because I like sheep), I kept walking, when I encountered a tree lying across the path. The reason for its brokenness came to me as I beheld a hippo in its branches.
Next, I found a monkey clutching a set of keys. Very odd, thought I. I grabbed the keys and the monkey shrieked and ran away. A little shaken up, no doubt.
After a little more walking, I came across a snake. It was very large. When it tried to bite me, I broke out in kung fu. After it was properly knotted around the hippo, I continued on.
Finally, I came across something I didn't expect: a giant fence. This wasn't an ordinary stay-off-my-property-you-hooligans fence. This thing was big enough to guard a castle. However, upon closer examination, it turned out to be a cage. It was full of birds. Being the nice freedom-loving guy I am, I unlocked the cage with the monkey keys and the various assortment of birds flew away. However, the birds that could not fly remained.
After much endurance of eye-poking, I had thrown all the non-aviatory birds out of the cage. It was difficult, but rewarding. Exiting the cage, however, I saw that a lion had eaten all the birds. Furious, I headbutted him in the head. He promptly went down like a tree with a hippo in it.
After all this ass-kickery, I was pretty thirsty. I went a little further on and came across a lake. I dove in, only to discover that the lake was three feet deep. It hurt.
Wading around, I found that the lake lead to a waterfall. Standing near the edge, I beheld the reason of the raining of various animals: somebody had blown up the zoo.
I was devastated. I hurredly jumped off the waterfall and deployed my parachute, which carried me down into the blown up zoo. There I saw a man with a zoo-bomb detonator, and circle-beat him by myself. Despite my awesomeness, however, the police soon arrived and arrested me for releasing the zoo's exotic birds. I hate this country.

The End.

2004-12-10T19:03:00.000-05:00

STORY TIME!!!

It was a dark and stormy night. The tall stone fortress stood on the cliff. Atop one of the corner towers stood a man. He was quite tall. His gaze was hard enough to turn coal to diamonds. Suddenly, the ghost of Colonel Sanders appeared before him, offering a bucket of tasty fried chicken.
"I don't want your friggin' chicken!" exclaimed the lonely man. "Swiss Chalet is better! Besides, I'm busy looking for coal. I thought of this great money making strategy..."
"The Colonel always does chicken right!" boomed the ghost. "You will pay for your insolence!" whereupon the ghost threw his ghastly chicken in the coal-man's direction and disappeared.
"You'll pay for that one!" the man yelled.
"Not until you eat it" retorted Sanders, suddenly reappearing with a dish of coleslaw.
"That chicken hurt!" said the man. "And do you know why? It was OVERCOOKED!"
"Noooo!" screamed the ghost. "Never insult my chicken!" The Colonel sprayed coleslaw into the man's face, sweeping his pimp cane to take out the man's knees. The man couldn't stand for this. He grabbed his partisan (because all people standing watch have partisans) and thrusted it at the ghost. At that precise moment in time, all the deep fryers in the world felt a large blow of destruction.
"NOOOOO!" shouted Sander's ghost. "Now my plans for greasy world domination are ruined! And it's ALL YOUR FAULT!"
As the ghost writhed in agony on the ground, the mysterious man stepped back and removed his mask.
"Jared?" Sanders gasped.
"That's right, and I'm putting you out of business for good. With KFC out of the way, Subway will rule the fast-food world! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

The End.

2004-12-02T09:20:00.000-05:00

Most productive english class EVER.

2004-12-01T19:54:00.000-05:00

A tribute to Maddox.

Yeah, I really don't hate solitaire, but this is just awesome.

2004-11-27T19:38:00.000-05:00

Okay I know two posts in one day is kinda weird... but this song is just classy.

Punky's Dilemma - Simon and Garfunkel

Wish I was a Kellogg's Cornflake
Floatin' in my bowl takin' movies,
Relaxin' awhile, livin' in style,
Talkin' to a raisin who 'casionn'ly plays LA.,
Casually glancing at his toupee.

Wish I was an English muffin
'Bout to make the most out of a toaster.
I'd ease myself down,
Comin' up brown.

I prefer boysenberry
More than any ordinary jam.
I'm a "Citizens for Boysenberry Jam" fan.

Ah, South California.

If I become a first lieutenant
Would you put my photo on your piano?
To Maryjane--
Best wishes, Martin.
(Old Roger draft-dodger
Leavin' by the basement door),
Everybody knows what he's
Tippy-toeing down there for.

2004-11-27T19:04:00.000-05:00

Something has been annoying the hell outta me for the past 4 years.

What, praytell, might that be?

Well it's-- what the crap? You're encouraging me? And where are all your insults?

Well the insults didn't seem to be doing much for either of us. And even your senseless, incoherent rambling is better than NOTHING FOR 16 FLIPPIN DAYS!!

You have a point.

Damn straight.

Well, as much of a geek and/or loser I pretend to not be, I have spent a good portion of my life talking on msn. In fact, I was instant messaging before msn was even created. Ahh... the good ol' days of ICQ... where have you gone? Anywho... I currently have 50 people on my list (yes, I know more than 50 people on the internet - no, I'm not THAT much of a loser to find my self worth in how many people are on my list so I tend to keep it clean). Of those 50 people, 3 currently have "50 MoR DaYz!!!11" or some such dumbass quote in their msn names. Why must they do this?? 50 more "dayz" till what? Who cares? Is this a pathetic attempt to get curious and/or horny 14 year old girls to ask you what pathetic event is occuring in 50 more days? Why must you torment us engineering types by leaving stupid crap in your names? It's annoys me almost as much as the difference in length of my car's turn signal with the guy's in front of me. Life just isn't fair for us engineers.

2004-11-11T11:13:00.000-05:00

Step aside, Filly - I'ma take the spotlight this week.

Never call me that again.

Fine.

I've made a daring, and slightly dangerous, conclusion. Nutrition doesn't actually exist - it's just a marketing tool. I mean, look around once in a while - what do you see advertised on the side of packages of food? "NO TRANS FATS". Great. They took out something that no one really noticed or cared about before, but since it has one less type of fat, it sells. What the crap??? Who honestly gives a damn about trans fats (aside from my mother, who seems to have a severe nutrition fixation, who inspired me to write this out of spite for other nutrition freaks)??? I certainly don't. And, as we all know, I'm king of the world. Seriously, though - every year they come out with some new thing that's "incredibly bad for you" that no one really noticed or cared about before. I mean, it's not like we're still eating out of cans made of lead (yes, they used to make cans out of lead. It took them a long time to figure out that lead is poisonus). We're all gluttons in this country anyways - why try to take out all the bad things out of good-tasting food, and make it bad tasting? If you want to be "healthy" (I'm starting to question the authenticity of that word as well), just eat good things that don't taste as good. Don't take out your freakish nutrition problem on the rest of the world. Gahhh... nutrition should be drug out into the street and shot.

That didn't entirely make sense...

Yeah well.... I'm king of the world. Ha.

2004-10-31T01:23:00.000-05:00

2004-10-26T20:09:00.000-04:00

You've really done it this time.

HEY!! I'm the one that starts off these posts, Fil.

Well apparently you needed me to start one because you haven't been around for weeks!!! What is that?

Okay... but I've collected a lot of good material.

Really now? Let's not call it good until I've said it is.

So it's good then?

What? I didn't say that.

....so it's good then?

Arg... let's just have it.

=====================================

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was...

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because...

In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

==============================================================

So how was that, Fil?

Mildly entertaining. I wasn't all that impressed, though.

Well maybe the next one will impress you.

There's more? This better be good...

==============================================================

On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer and apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your Whitehouse during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realized it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank You.

(From This Hour Has 22 Minutes)

=================================================================

Wow. I genuinely enjoyed that one.

Really? Then you'll like this one.

Wait... I didn't say I wanted more... aw crap...

================================================================

I am proud to be Sarnian.

I don't live in a cellar - it's a basement.

I don't eat pasta every night - I eat KD.

I don't drive a Pick-up. It's a truck. I drive my Buick up and down the DOWNtown streets while trying to race other late-model cars.

I don't know Matt Good, Sloan, or Big Wreck - I just watch them at Bayfest.

We have a Community College - therefore, all the smart folk are properly shipped out of town... most never coming back. (Now THAT explains a few things...)

I have Canada's first international twin bridges... and yet I've never crossed them due to 9/11...

I pronounce it Ma-RYE-ah, not Ma-REE-ah. It's VYE-dle, not Vidal. And it's pronounced LamPton, even if it's spelled Lambton.

Our unemployment rate is often compared to Newfoundland's.

We constantly vote for left wing Liberal old-folk.

A park filled with Christmas lights IS a festival.

My main street is two one-way streets.

We gather by the hundreds to dive in to the bay in the winter.

We applaud live music when it's a cover band.

Our water tastes like a fish tank.

We have NO DOCTORS!!

We have the worst air in Ontario, two ex-squeegy kids, a woman named "Mariah" the crazy street lady, a strip bar named the "Pig Port", and we will gladly accept any garbage or toxic waste that may come our way.

We are the home of Chemical Valley, the Sting, a music store called "Cheeky Monkey", and the most Tim Horton's in one city.

Say it one, say it all... but most of all, say it LOUD - "I am proud to be Sarnian!!!"

=============================================================

Wow. Your town sucks.

Well where do you live, my two-dimentional friend?

Shut it up, you.

2004-10-10T18:16:00.000-04:00

I don't feel like writing anything.

Hurrah!!

2004-09-30T22:06:00.000-04:00

Hello, bored one.

Hello, boring one.

Who? Me? Not this time.

Right. I believe you.

No you don't.

Thanks, Mr. Obvious.

Mr. Obvious? That's not my name.

Stupidity.... overwhelming...... must... talk.... in... slow... gasps....

We'll worry about him later. For now, I've got another amazing story for all of you.

NOOOOOO............ gasps........ getting.......... longer................ must......... escape.......... stupidity.........

I was working at the CTC when--

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH..............

Uhhh.... Fil?

.............

Oh well.

Well that's just great. I die and you don't even care.

HA!! I KNEW you weren't dead!!

....crap.

Well anyways.... I was working at the CTC when I saw something no person should ever see in a hardware/automotive-based store. Lever 2000.

Nasty.

That's not all. Just after I was getting over that shock, I came across an even worse item - toothpaste.

Toothpaste? In a hardware/automotive-based store like CTC?

Yup.

Amazing.

Woah... you mean you actually LIKED my story???

Sadly enough, yes.

Folks, it's a sad day when toothpaste is sold at a local hardware/automotive-based store and Fil likes one of my stories.

You're telling me.

Yes, yes I am.

Thanks, Tips.

That's not my name either.

Dying.... again....

2004-09-24T15:16:00.000-04:00

Hey there.

Holy crap.

What?

When was the last time you made a post two days in a row?

Well I just happened to make a wonderful discovery, Fil.

If it's as good as yesterday's, we can all save ourselves the trouble of listening and run into a wall right now.

Well, it's more of a poem than a discovery.

If it's half as bad as the ones you posted before, I'm outta here.

Well, let's find out, shall we?

John was his name, cheating was his game
With a lust for love no woman could tame
He'd always go out or a drink on the town
He'd always go out with a smile, no frown

Now on Friday night at a bar they call Bills
John met a girl with tits just like hills
They danced and drank and partied it up
You never saw them with no drink in their cup

He knew he was married, it seemed no big deal
Considering the fact that these boobs felt so real
John played and he poked and he muddled around
Then the girl named Trina, then noticed his mound

She liked what she saw and told him just that
John grabbed his coat as quick as a cat
They got to her place and turned off the lights
Johnny was in for one hell of a night

She undid her pants, boy that was quick
To John's surprise, the "she" had a ____
Disgusted was he at the thoughts that he had
More than that, he was a tad mad

Never again would he cheat on his wife
He told her this and swore on his life
So him and his wife are happy this day
That John didn't do something totally gay

--- Alex Perdeaux

So how'd'ya like it?

I'm outta here.

Meh. I liked it.

2004-09-23T22:30:00.000-04:00

I have made a wonderful discovery, Fil.

Really?

Yes.

I see.

No you don't. I haven't told you what the discovery was yet.

Touché.

Eww... no.

...the state of your mind could best be represented by a ripe orange. A REALLY ripe orange. Like rotten. And it was run over by an ugly, ugly truck.

I'm glad you think so highly of my overripe, ugly-truck-squashed mind.

No problem.

Well, here's my discovery:

Pushing around lotsa carts plus trumpet with no finish equals hands that smell like dog.

...You held that whole thing back this long? That must have been a lot of strain on your overripe, ugly-truck-squashed mind.

That it was, Fil. That it was.

2004-09-15T23:03:00.000-04:00

So, Fil. Want something GOOD this week?

I sure do. Jill's been giving me hell lately.

Wait... wasn't there that incident yesterday? Something about a naked buffalo hunt?

Um.... I can neither confirm nor deny the presence of a naked buffalo hunt that presumably happened monday night.

I see.

Really, now?

Uhh... yes. Yes I do.

I see.

Really, now?

Don't pull that stuff with me.

Fine - I'll give you my good stuff for the month: a few poems that came straight from my english class. I'm not gonna explain anything else, because, frankly, my goal here is to confuse the hell outta you.

Poor, ugly pig
Hairy and small
I feel sorry for you
Lonely you are
And lonely am I
Just a poor, ugly pig
I look into your stupid eyes
So dark and lonely
But some day I will look past the ugly
That's what I will do
Some day, perhaps
Someone will see your beauty
In a tasty plate of bacon
Or a juicy slice of ham
You'd look beautiful
Between two slices of bread
With mayo and cheese
You're making me drool.

The horse is brown
Brown is the horse
There is someone sitting on the brown horse
On the brown horse there is someone sitting
I am sitting
Yes, that is me
With tight, white pants
There are four white boats
They're all the same
Some jerk tried to trick us
Why are they in a picture with a horse?
This horse is uncomfortable
And it smells pretty bad
I'm getting a wedgie
With my tight, white pants
I'd rather be sailing
In a small, white craft
But instead, I'm stuck here
On this brown horse
With perfect trees
And perfect grass
What are those two flags?
This picture is about me and my ugly, smelly, stupid horse
Not flags.

I am alone
With two strange people
In front of something leaning
This is gay.

Why did I come here?
This vacation sucks
I want to go home
And watch TV.

Why is this lady touching me?
She's making me very uncomfortable
I don't know who she is
Maybe that leaning thing will fall on her.

The man is scary, too
Grinning like that
I want to run away
And have that tower crush him to tiny bits.

These aren't my parents
They've kidnapped me
Two strange lonely freaks.

This is what I tell to anyone who asks
Italian prison isn't that bad.

That's it. I'm outta here.

I win.

2004-09-08T22:35:00.000-04:00

Looks about time for another update, Fil.

Where ya been? I thought you died.

That's comforting. I've been hanging out with "The Lady".

"The Lady", huh? Is she the one with the bad, bad sunglasses or the french moustache?

That was a bad, bad superimposition, Fil. She doesn't actually have a moustache in real life. She just wants one.

Thats MUCH better, then.

Damn straight.

So... what sort of entertainment do you have for us today?

Not too sure.

What the hell... I sit around here for 9 freakin days and all I get is a "not too sure"?!?!?!

You don't exist. Therefore, you don't have to sit around here all day. And what's going on with Jill? She can't be reporting the weather ALL the time, can she?

Nope. In fact, she gets up there five seconds before you come to this page, and leaves soon after you do. Kinda freaky, if you ask me.

Indeed.

Are you gonna come up with anything interesting?

Nope.

Damn. You suck, you know that?

I'm not the two dimensional, non-existant one here.

HEY!!! I take offense to that.

That was the idea, Fil.

Damn.

Hmmm.... how are things with you, Fil?

Non-existant, as you so excitedly pointed out.

Fine - I'm sorry...

Well thank yo--

...that you DONT EXIST!!! BOOYA!!!

Booya?

Umm... yes. Booya. And Booya again. Twice. Booya.

Someone save me.

2004-08-30T23:10:00.000-04:00

Mawidge. Mawidge is what bwings us togethaa today. Mawidge - that bwessed awangement, that dweam wiffin a dweam.

So tweasaa your wafe.

Have you the wing?

Do you pwincess buäcwup...

WHAT was that???

If you don't know, I refuse to talk to you.

2004-08-29T15:39:00.000-04:00

So, Fil.

Are you gonna bore us all again?

Yes, indeed I am.

Crap.

I was at work yesterday when--

WOAH!!! AT WORK??? CALL RIPLEY'S!!!

Shut it, you.

Fine - I'm going to... uhhh... talk to Jill.

You have fun with that. Anywho, I was at work yesterday when a teacher from errol walked up--

Woah - I've heard about that school. Stay away. It's a punk-ass school full of punk-ass kids.

I thought you were leaving.

Yeah, well, Jill's kinda busy reporting the weather.

Ah, I see. Well, this teacher walked up to me and said, "Do you have any other flavours of anti-freeze than that stuff over there?"

....wwwwwwwwWHAT??????

Since when does anti-freeze come in flavours? "Oh, yes, I'll have some blue anti-freeze on a waffle cone, please." It just doesn't work right.

I hate people.

HEY!! I take offense to that.

You're not "people", Fil. You don't exist, remember?

Oh yeah...

2004-08-26T14:35:00.000-04:00

Tell me, Fil. Does Jill ever wonder about which urinal you pick when you use a public washroom?

Does she ever. I just can't seem to find a way to explain it to her.

Fear no more, Fil. I have provided the answer.

I'm saved!!

2004-08-22T18:10:00.000-04:00

Hmmmm....

2004-08-21T00:58:00.000-04:00

It's that time agian.

What time, Owen?

Woah - it's Fil. Didn't... uhh... see you there...

You can't see me. I don't actually exist. You know that.

.....wwwWHAT?!?!?! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!!! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.....

You made me up a few months ago... remember?

...oh yeah...

Well, folks, since Owen is a slacker, I'm gonna give you something to do with your boredom.

WHAT?? I LOST MY STAND TO SOME GUY THAT I MADE UP???

Uhh... yeah. Outta the way.

I'm not gonna stand for this.

Whatev. As I was saying, Fil Redenbacher here is gonna write something. Look at me go. Anywho, I was talking to Jill the other day when--

QUESTION!!!

What is it?

What's Jill's last name? She does have a last name... right?

Well you're the one that named her. Figure one out.

How about... Dutenheimer?

Works for me. Anyways...

QUESTION!!!

What this time?

Oh, nothing. Just wanted to interupt.

Do you WANT me to do this or not?

Uhhh.... not really.

Dammit.

Well it's not like you have anything to talk about anyways. You know... not actually existing and all...

Look - I know I may be a little different from you - bigger head... less fingers... two dimensional - but that doesn't mean you're somehow better than me.

Uhh.. yeah it does. I created you, remember?

Oh... right.

Well I guess that's all for now, folks.

But.. this was supposed to be my moment of glory!!!

Yeah. Sucks to be you.

Ahh... it's not so bad. Not existing kinda gives you an interesting outlook on life... since it's something you don't exactly have. Plus, there's always Jill.

Touché.

Hehehe...

So I haven't actually heard her talk. Does she?

Not too much. She's still good company, though.

I'm not asking into that.

Good plan.

Well, since I AM the one in control here, I'm gonna end this so you all can... uhh... go home... and do whatever it is you do...

You'll rue the day you crossed me.

...I refuse to indulge you.

Crap.

2004-08-17T04:22:00.000-04:00

just go here.

2004-08-05T00:58:00.000-04:00

Long time no write, Fil.

[No kidding]

How are things with Jill?

[Shes been a little anxious lately - something to do with the time of month or something...]

Woah.

Anywho, I made a game.

Play it here.

I hope you have fun with it.

It's mighty awesome.

So I suppose I haven't been on recently because of millions of relatives deciding to show up. Wonderful.

There are far too many little kids around here.

Arg.

2004-07-27T12:28:00.000-04:00

I HAVE RETURNED!!!

"Where was I?" you ask? I'll tell you.

Wait a sec... I wasn't anywhere...

Crap.

Anywho, I thought this little guy was kinda fun.

hehe... look at him go...

So I got a job. Go me.

In two shifts, I've clocked 13 hours.

GO ME!!!

2004-07-20T02:56:00.000-04:00

So since I haven't posted in a while, and I'm quite unoriginal, I figured I'd mock another email survey. I'll put in as many sexual references as possible. Here goes.

1) Single or Taken: currently, I'm tokin'...

2) Sex: please

3) Birthday: i like birthdays

4) Sign: "STOP"

5) Siblings: billy-joe, billy-bob, billy-bob-joe, bobby-joe, bobby-sue, bobby-billy-bob-joe-sue....

6) hair colour: i have no hair. Anywhere.

7) Eye color: white.

8) height: 8 inches.

9) shoe size: see previous answer.

R e l a t i o n s h i p s

1) Who is your best friend(s)?: fil of course

2) Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: i see lotsa people... last night i was with my momma and coach klien...

3) Did you send this to your crush?: i'll crush YOU... stupid piece of crap

4) Did your crush send this to you?: you want the truth? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

F a s h i o n S t u f f

1) Where is your favorite place to shop? "hookers 'r' us"

2) Do you have if anything pierced? i've pierced people, if thats what you mean. hehehe... kids never saw it coming....

T h e E x t r a S t u f f

1) Do you do drugs? every hour on the hour.

2) What kind of shampoo do you use?: shampoo? how DARE you accuse me of not using shampoo!! I BATHE EVERY HALLOWEEN WHETHER I NEED IT OR NOT!!!!!

3) What are you most scared of: you - stay away

4) What are you listening to right now?: you - thats right - i'm right there behind you.

5) Favourite Car? VROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

6) Who is the last person that called you?: heather - she called me sexy

7) Where do you want to get married at?: a cemetary...

8) How many messenger buddies do you have on-line right now?: i only take one at a time, but theres about a dozen lined up outside.

9) What would you change if anything about yourself, what would it be?: my insincerety towards stupid questionaires

F a v o u r i t e s

1) Colour: white - its the colour people go after they die... mehehehe...

2) Food: tacos.

3) Boy's name For your sons: Egbert

4) Girl's name for your daughters: Haggar

5) Fave Subject In school: Shotgun class

6) Animals: no, i prefer straight humans.

7) Game(s): foreplay is for those with spare time.

H a v e Y o u E v e r

1) Given someone a bath?: yes

2) Smoked?: ham... smoked ham is good...

3) Bungee jumped?: TO THE MOON!!

4) Broken the law: i'll break YOUR law...

5) Made yourself throw-up? I don't need to - just read one of these and BAM - instant hurling.

6) Gone skinny-dipping?: with the ladies ;)

7) Been in love?: mmmmm.... bean love...

8.) Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: see previous answer

F i r s t T h i n g T h a t C o m e s T o M i n d

1) Red: BLOOOOD!!!

2) Cow: BLOOOOD!!!

3) Socks: bananas

4) Greenland: land that is green... or "green land" if you prefer.

Final Q u e s t i o n s

1) Do you like filling these out? YES

2) How many people are you sending this to? the whole friggin planet - EVERYONE is gonna read this and hate it.

3) Who will send it back?: Why, me of course.

4) If you could be someone else for a day who would it be?: banana

5) Gold or Silver?: banana

6) What is the last film you saw at the cinema? oooh the "cinema" - getting fancy now - trying to throw me off guard - well you'll have to try harder than THAT

7) Favorite cartoon character?: uhh... me

8) What do you have for breakfast in the morning? bananas... in BLOOOOD!!!

9) Who would you HATE being locked in a room with? YOU!

10) Who would you want to be locked in a room with?: a clone of myself... as a GIRL

well that seems to be it - if you made it to here, you get five stars for having no life. congratulations.

2004-07-07T00:41:00.000-04:00

Well. I've been working for a while now to make this place just a little nicer. It's kinda like a project more than a place to write stuff. Meh. As long as Fil doesn't mind, it's good with me.

(Fil says: as long as i have Jill)

why, oh why, did I have to give her such a good figure? Curse you WeatherPixie.com!!!!

In other news...

So I've been updating some stuff, just for the crap of it. I've added a link to The Best Page in the Universe. Be sure to check that one out. Downright hilarious. I made a movie as well. Be sure to check it out. (that's way too many links for that paragraph)

I hope the "Imagination" thing amuses you (credits go to 8 Bit Theatre for that). I've also added a counter, and it's already way up high from me previewing my page often during renovation. Oh, and check out that Status Bar thing at the bottom of your screen.

Song of the day (or week... or month...):

Welcome to Paradise - Greenday (Listen to it - right now)

Dear mother can you hear me whining
It's been three whole weeks
Since that I have left your home
This sudden fear has left me trembling
Cause now it seems that I am out here on my own
And I'm feeling so alone

Pay attention to the cracked streets
And the broken homes
Some call it slums
Some call it nice
I want to take you through
A wasteland I like to call my home
Welcome to paradise

A gunshot rings out at the station
Another urchin snaps and left dead on his own
It makes me wonder why I'm still here
For some strange reason it's now
Feeling like my home
And I'm never gonna go

Dear mother can you hear me laughing
It's been six whole months
Since that I have left your home
It makes me wonder why I'm still here
For some strange reason it's now
Feeling like my home
And I'm never gonna go

2004-06-29T22:30:00.000-04:00

Look everyone! Aren't they awesome?

well then

So i haven't blogged in a long time, fil. Have you missed me?

{Fil says: I've been hanging out with Jill - hardly noticed you left}.

I feel loved and appreciated.

Have you ever noticed that i never actually talk about anything on here? I'm sure that any actual readers I have (aside from Heather of course) are bored to death with what is on here. I would assume that the previously mentioned readers would be angry with me for my serious lack of entertainment. You know what i have to say to that?

Get a life.

A note on the music - the internet is retarded. I don't know when i'll have music again. I dont know if it matters or not. I shall still occasionally post songs on here just for the crap of it - if you are wise, you will download these songs and listen for your own good.

King For a Day - Goldfinger

Runnin' twice as fast I see
You're getting sick again
You're runnin' faster all the time
If i could I'd take it away
You know I would

Making plans to rule the world
Spread yourself way too thin
Wishing that you were king
Is killing you
Denyng that you're just a man
Just makes you tire out
You've got to slow it down
You're always running

And if I write this song to you
Would you listen up?
Cause this is your life
It's not mine
If I could I'd take it away
You know I would

2004-06-16T23:14:00.000-04:00

Rain rain, come again, go away some other day...

Well Fil, I think I have solved our picture dillema.

look everyone! It's Fil in all his glory!!!

Hotel California - SkaDaddyZ

A good cover to a good song. I'm just too lazy to get the lyrics today.

2004-06-11T15:26:00.000-04:00

Fil, i have an apology for you.

I have neglected you for so long. Please forgive me.

In return, i shall draw you a portrait.

One moment please.

(several hours later)

well, i have made you a portrait, fil.

now arent you pretty?

Hungry Like A Wolf - Reel Big Fish

Unfortunately, no lyrics site in the world (that doesn't freeze up my computer) contains the lyrics for this song. Just enjoy it.

2004-06-02T18:10:00.000-04:00

Well, Fil, I don't have much to say. I guess I've been kinda boring lately. Meh.

I'll draw you a picture sometime Fil. Just not now.

At least I got a new song.

Goodbye - The Coral

I looked into her eyes
Saw through her disguise
But never realised
That we were longing to be free
run away to sea,
well that could never be,.

Goodbye, dont say goodbye,
id rather die than say goodbye.

Once so very long ago,
was when i loved you so,
if only i had known.
I was blinded by my fate,
I traded love for hate,
now i just sit and wait.

2004-05-28T15:31:00.000-04:00

Have a good laugh.

2004-05-23T19:34:00.000-04:00

well i dont feel like writing a long post. or putting up a new song. or using the shift key. you're just gonna have to deal with it, fil.

i put a weather pixie on here - i think she was the hottest one. maybe she'll end up dating fil. that would be fun. maybe i'll draw a picture of fil some time.

but i think my weather pixie needs a name, fil. how about.... jill? good? alrighty then.

so jill, whats the weather like?

2004-05-20T16:00:00.000-04:00

Well Fil, for the last couple weeks, I've kept you supplied with some quality posts that I actually wrote. This week, you won't have such a priveledge. Sucker.

This is just an email I got once. I thought it to be hilarious. Number 4 is my personal favourite.

> How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity <

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "i can't remember".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what gender they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Mean'sta.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

2004-05-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

Read the song lyrics first.

Wrong Way - Sublime

Annie's twelve years old, in two more she'll be a whore
Nobody ever told her it's the wrong way
Don't be afraid, with the quickness you get laid
For your family get paid, it's the wrong way

I gave her all that I had to give
I'm gonna make it hard to live
Soggy tears runnin' down her chin
And it ruins up her make up I never wanted

A cigarette rests between her lips
But I'm staring at her tits, it's the wrong way
Strong if I can but I am only a man
so I take her to the can, it's the wrong way

The only family that she's ever had
Is her seven horny brothers and a drunk-ass dad
He needed money so he put her on the street
Everything was going fine until the day she met me

Happy, are you sad?
Wanna shoot your dad?
I'll do anything I can, its the wrong way
We talked all night; tried to make it right
Believe me, shit was tight, it was the wrong way

Don't run away if you wanna stay
'Cause I ain't here to make ya
It's up to you what you really wanna do
Spend some time in America, ha, dub style

She'll give you all that she got to give
But I'm gonna make it hard to live
Big soggy tears rollin' down to her chin
And it smears up her make up I never wanted
So we ran away, And I'm sorry when I say
That straight to this very day it was the wrong way

She took a hike
Don't matter if I like it or not
Because she only wants the wrong way
I gave her all that I had to give
She still wouldn't take it
Her two brown eyes only get larger still
And it still ruins up her make up I never wanted

This song that you're listening to now is an interesting one. Yet somehow, it perfectly goes with my mood sometimes (no, heather, this has nothing to do with me being horny). Sometimes this is just how i feel about the world - the perfect innocence of childhood gradually being torn apart. I hate it.

2004-05-14T09:24:00.000-04:00

Well here I am at school, Fil.

"What are you doing posting from there?" You ask? Well it just so happens that I'm in study hall. Wonderful. And I'm bored. And I'm posting.

What have you been doing, Fil? Are you bored too? I certainly am.

Theres nothing to write about here. I have no inspiration. Whats wrong here?

meh.

now I can't even get onto the other stupid website to post a comic.

This sucks.

I'm not even gonna try the lyrics site. It'll probably screw me over as well.

Stupid internet.

I consider this post a complete failure - sorry Fil.

2004-05-09T22:51:00.000-04:00

Hello again, FR (short for 'faithful reader'.... perhaps i shall come up with a name)

FR... Freddy Rodenbough? Frank Rudel? Fillip Redenbacher? - hey - i like that one.

Alright faithful reader - your name is officially Fillip Redenbacher - i shall call you Fil for short. Hehe.... its way too late to be doing this.... and by way too late, i mean 10:57

so Fil, whats up? 'What have you been thinking about, Faithful Writer?' you ask? Well, I shall tell you.

Well, its not what i've been thinking about really - more the lack thereof. You see, i have a horrible memory. "How horrible??" the masses ask. I'll tell you. I dont remember what i was talking about last night. Until someone reminds me. I cant remember where i parked my car only hours before i walked into a theatre. i hate downtown driving. especially in a standard car. it sucks.

alrighty... so i thought i would post another one of these just for the heck of it.

bahahahahahahaha.... oh wow.... i laughed so hard the first time i read that.... many many years ago.....

Scenes - Burlap to Cashmere

Now I have seen the glory
And you will see the fun
And we will fight together
Like father and son
Cause I am done
Yes I have won

In the winter lies a naked man
With a horse and a gun
I shall never see his face again
Cause I am done

Now boy, you know the story
Fight and you shall win
And if you roll the dice right
You'll be the next of kin
Cause I am done
Yes I have won

We're gonna take over the world

2004-05-03T23:24:00.000-04:00

crap.

so i broke my freakin NEVER AGAIN oath

well i DID leave you with an extra special extra long blog last time

not that you exist, faithful reader - you're simply the figment of my wishful thinking

not that any real person actually reading this doesnt exist - i wouldn't want you to think that - its just that the Faithful Reader has become a person to me.... someone who's life greatly depends on this website.

and so to you, oh Faithful Reader, i give a Good Job!

now i know what you're asking.... what could have possibly kept this crazy psycho from blogging for a whole week and a day? I'll tell you. First off, i took the entire morning of last wednesday off to get... THE G2!!! (for those of you not informed of the graduated licence system, G2 means that i can finally drive on my own). so i was pretty psyched about that. next was friday - since our JA company was SO amazing, we got a chance to present our final board meeting in front of OPG (ontario power generation). that was just fun. we left after first period and got back at 3:00 (well actually 2:59 - a certain someone was worried about being left behind for a cheerleading competition). soooo.... that was good times. next came today - i just happened to leave during second period to go to a competition in which we placed first. :D. [you were the only ones competing, owen] (nobody asked you). we got back as third period was waning. we went to wendys for lunch. i got spicy chicken. with extra lettuce and tomato and onion thanks to h-dawg over here. in total, i have missed approx. 6 classes in the past 4 (school) days. im proud

oh, for those of you who havent met him, this is vinnie -> ['sup]. He agreed to do various commentary for me.
[i'm inside your head, psycho - i dont have a choice]
(nobody asked you)

well it would seem that this is a sufficient length of a post for making up for the lack of posts. and the initiation of vinnie added too. he is quite happy about all this.
[no - you are happy about this - this means that i have to get up and whine at you all the time]
(nobody asked you)

i shall leave you with this glorious song in honor of my awesome Junior Achievement company - this song was played during a slide presentation of a bunch of pictures - i quite enjoy it

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day (yes, the band name is TWO separate words)

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while