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Sunday, October 31
Tuesday, October 26
You've really done it this time.
HEY!! I'm the one that starts off these posts, Fil.
Well apparently you needed me to start one because you haven't been around for weeks!!! What is that?
Okay... but I've collected a lot of good material.
Really now? Let's not call it good until I've said it is.
So it's good then?
What? I didn't say that.
....so it's good then?
Arg... let's just have it.
=====================================
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was...
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because...
In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
==============================================================
So how was that, Fil?
Mildly entertaining. I wasn't all that impressed, though.
Well maybe the next one will impress you.
There's more? This better be good...
==============================================================
On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer and apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your Whitehouse during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realized it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
Thank You.
(From This Hour Has 22 Minutes)
=================================================================
Wow. I genuinely enjoyed that one.
Really? Then you'll like this one.
Wait... I didn't say I wanted more... aw crap...
================================================================
I am proud to be Sarnian.
I don't live in a cellar - it's a basement.
I don't eat pasta every night - I eat KD.
I don't drive a Pick-up. It's a truck. I drive my Buick up and down the DOWNtown streets while trying to race other late-model cars.
I don't know Matt Good, Sloan, or Big Wreck - I just watch them at Bayfest.
We have a Community College - therefore, all the smart folk are properly shipped out of town... most never coming back. (Now THAT explains a few things...)
I have Canada's first international twin bridges... and yet I've never crossed them due to 9/11...
I pronounce it Ma-RYE-ah, not Ma-REE-ah. It's VYE-dle, not Vidal. And it's pronounced LamPton, even if it's spelled Lambton.
Our unemployment rate is often compared to Newfoundland's.
We constantly vote for left wing Liberal old-folk.
A park filled with Christmas lights IS a festival.
My main street is two one-way streets.
We gather by the hundreds to dive in to the bay in the winter.
We applaud live music when it's a cover band.
Our water tastes like a fish tank.
We have NO DOCTORS!!
We have the worst air in Ontario, two ex-squeegy kids, a woman named "Mariah" the crazy street lady, a strip bar named the "Pig Port", and we will gladly accept any garbage or toxic waste that may come our way.
We are the home of Chemical Valley, the Sting, a music store called "Cheeky Monkey", and the most Tim Horton's in one city.
Say it one, say it all... but most of all, say it LOUD - "I am proud to be Sarnian!!!"
=============================================================
Wow. Your town sucks.
Well where do you live, my two-dimentional friend?
Shut it up, you.
HEY!! I'm the one that starts off these posts, Fil.
Well apparently you needed me to start one because you haven't been around for weeks!!! What is that?
Okay... but I've collected a lot of good material.
Really now? Let's not call it good until I've said it is.
So it's good then?
What? I didn't say that.
....so it's good then?
Arg... let's just have it.
=====================================
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was...
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because...
In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
==============================================================
So how was that, Fil?
Mildly entertaining. I wasn't all that impressed, though.
Well maybe the next one will impress you.
There's more? This better be good...
==============================================================
On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer and apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your Whitehouse during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realized it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
Thank You.
(From This Hour Has 22 Minutes)
=================================================================
Wow. I genuinely enjoyed that one.
Really? Then you'll like this one.
Wait... I didn't say I wanted more... aw crap...
================================================================
I am proud to be Sarnian.
I don't live in a cellar - it's a basement.
I don't eat pasta every night - I eat KD.
I don't drive a Pick-up. It's a truck. I drive my Buick up and down the DOWNtown streets while trying to race other late-model cars.
I don't know Matt Good, Sloan, or Big Wreck - I just watch them at Bayfest.
We have a Community College - therefore, all the smart folk are properly shipped out of town... most never coming back. (Now THAT explains a few things...)
I have Canada's first international twin bridges... and yet I've never crossed them due to 9/11...
I pronounce it Ma-RYE-ah, not Ma-REE-ah. It's VYE-dle, not Vidal. And it's pronounced LamPton, even if it's spelled Lambton.
Our unemployment rate is often compared to Newfoundland's.
We constantly vote for left wing Liberal old-folk.
A park filled with Christmas lights IS a festival.
My main street is two one-way streets.
We gather by the hundreds to dive in to the bay in the winter.
We applaud live music when it's a cover band.
Our water tastes like a fish tank.
We have NO DOCTORS!!
We have the worst air in Ontario, two ex-squeegy kids, a woman named "Mariah" the crazy street lady, a strip bar named the "Pig Port", and we will gladly accept any garbage or toxic waste that may come our way.
We are the home of Chemical Valley, the Sting, a music store called "Cheeky Monkey", and the most Tim Horton's in one city.
Say it one, say it all... but most of all, say it LOUD - "I am proud to be Sarnian!!!"
=============================================================
Wow. Your town sucks.
Well where do you live, my two-dimentional friend?
Shut it up, you.
Sunday, October 10
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