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Staple guns - because duct tape can't make that "Ka-CHUNK" noise
- xkcd

Wednesday, September 15

So, Fil. Want something GOOD this week?

I sure do. Jill's been giving me hell lately.

Wait... wasn't there that incident yesterday? Something about a naked buffalo hunt?

Um.... I can neither confirm nor deny the presence of a naked buffalo hunt that presumably happened monday night.

I see.

Really, now?

Uhh... yes. Yes I do.

I see.

Really, now?

Don't pull that stuff with me.

Fine - I'll give you my good stuff for the month: a few poems that came straight from my english class. I'm not gonna explain anything else, because, frankly, my goal here is to confuse the hell outta you.




Poor, ugly pig
Hairy and small
I feel sorry for you
Lonely you are
And lonely am I
Just a poor, ugly pig
I look into your stupid eyes
So dark and lonely
But some day I will look past the ugly
That's what I will do
Some day, perhaps
Someone will see your beauty
In a tasty plate of bacon
Or a juicy slice of ham
You'd look beautiful
Between two slices of bread
With mayo and cheese
You're making me drool.





The horse is brown
Brown is the horse
There is someone sitting on the brown horse
On the brown horse there is someone sitting
I am sitting
Yes, that is me
With tight, white pants
There are four white boats
They're all the same
Some jerk tried to trick us
Why are they in a picture with a horse?
This horse is uncomfortable
And it smells pretty bad
I'm getting a wedgie
With my tight, white pants
I'd rather be sailing
In a small, white craft
But instead, I'm stuck here
On this brown horse
With perfect trees
And perfect grass
What are those two flags?
This picture is about me and my ugly, smelly, stupid horse
Not flags.





I am alone
With two strange people
In front of something leaning
This is gay.

Why did I come here?
This vacation sucks
I want to go home
And watch TV.

Why is this lady touching me?
She's making me very uncomfortable
I don't know who she is
Maybe that leaning thing will fall on her.

The man is scary, too
Grinning like that
I want to run away
And have that tower crush him to tiny bits.

These aren't my parents
They've kidnapped me
Two strange lonely freaks.

This is what I tell to anyone who asks
Italian prison isn't that bad.




That's it. I'm outta here.

I win.


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